In this new series for Adventures with Crystal, “How to tackle the fears keeping you from traveling solo,” I’ll address the five most common fears many travelers have when thinking about going on their own.
And so the series begins with Fear #1: The fear of being alone.
You’re not alone if you feel anxiety or nervousness about your first big solo foreign travel. But let me tell you this. It is so rewarding to convert that feeling of nervousness into feelings of excitement. And it’s worth the work.
1. The fear of being alone
I hear this solo travel fear said the most by women (and men!) who aren’t sold on the idea of traveling solo. Although, this wasn’t my own personal biggest fear — I’ll share the most difficult one I had to tackle, later — it’s an important one to get out of the way so you can begin your solo adventures.
Let me make a case on why we need to learn to embrace alone time — traveling, or not.
A mentor explained this to me clearly one evening, when I was feeling particularly lonely, and particularly lost.
“You have to believe you’re the most fun person at any party. Because sometimes, you’ll be the only person at the party,” she said.
I think about this conversation all the time, because it is so important and so true.
As more of an introverted-extrovert, I do need some alone time (especially to read and write), but not all the time. It took a lot of repetitive practice for me to “have fun playing by myself.” Everything takes repetition, by the way, to become familiar and comfortable.
Let me echo what I wrote in a previous post:
Being alone is healing. It’s the medicine for pain and loss. And for me, travel is the exact experience that makes me feel calmer and more confident. If I don’t have to depend on any one or any thing, I feel free knowing I won’t have to wait for anyone else to be ready. I just pick up and go. And I don’t have to feel guilty about it.
So Fear #1, I’m coming for you.
How to start tackling this fear:
If you’re scared of being alone, the solo part of “solo travel,” here are small steps you can do RIGHT NOW a to start tackling the fear head-on.
Start small in your own town or city, and build up to a solo trip.
My first step was eating alone.
I looked up on Yelp or asked co-workers about their favorite restaurants. Lunch is the best time to begin practicing because there are a lot of other people rushing in and out of lunch breaks, scarfing up their meals before heading back to work. So, you won’t be alone… being alone.
Breakfast at cafés is also great because I enjoy bringing a book, maybe a laptop, and I always get a nice cup of coffee. People are also too busy in conversation, and really, with some great pancakes, a yummy side of biscuits, or a solid plate of eggs benedict, no one really cares whether I’m alone or in a crowd. It doesn’t make a difference to anyone around me, really, if I’m alone or with someone else.
Finally, treat yourself to some drinks and apps, alone.
Start at the bar, maybe sit in your own corner, and work your way up to a table. Frankly, enjoying and savoring meals is one of the staples when you travel alone. And, really taking time to taste the food in front of you — instead of being stuck in conversation — makes the price of the meal worthwhile.
If you’re worried about “stranger danger,” bartenders are always chatty if they see me sitting alone — especially if you ask for drink or food recommendations. The servers are good at keeping an eye out if you’re eating by yourself, and I actually usually get friendlier service, if anything because it’s a nod to me enjoying the meal.
And for some reason, servers always enjoy the, “How many people?”
“Just me.”
Badass.
Then, I went to shows alone
Everyone is enjoying the show, no one is really staring at you.. if that’s your biggest concern with being alone.
I LOVE comedy shows because I can enjoy alone time, drink, and laugh.
I also LOVE watching movies in theaters (especially the cinemas with lounge chairs.. that also serves drinks). My favorite is going to shows off-Broadway and on Broadway in New York City, because, once the lights dim and the curtains are drawn, it simply doesn’t matter.
Shop alone, visit museums and other exibits alone
This one is easy, and probably something you do already. If you’re already running errands on your own, do it even more! It’s productive, shopping gets me excited, and frankly, if I have a big shopping cart, I really don’t care about whether I’m alone or with someone else. In fact, I can move through the fitting room even more easily if I’m not waiting on someone!
I LOVE going to museums and exhibits in the city, alone. There’s a lot to keep me busy: taking pictures of beautiful artwork, or just pausing to admire talented creations in front of me. Artists spend so much time alone. And they appreciate anyone who comes to their gallery. Local musuems also appreciate your support for funding the arts. So, knock yourself out!
Go to museums alone. Take time to fall in love with the pieces in front of you, photograph them if you want, and take them to share with others. And write about it! In your journal, in your blog, in your someday book.
What next? Now, ease into traveling.
Six months before I set off for Costa Rica by myself, my younger sister and I decided to go to Mexico, in memory of my late aunt.
We “sort of ” did research (not really). But as a dynamic duo, we figured we could just “wing it” and figure it out as we go. I decided if I was with her, there wasn’t much reason to be afraid.
“A bird sitting on a tree is never afraid of the branch breaking, because her trust is not on the branch but on its own wings. Always believe in yourself.”
A quote to live by.
My sister texted me a just few days before she would get on a plane from San Francisco and I would get on a plane from Rhode Island to Mexico that we should go explore Chichén Itzá, one of the New Seven Wonders of the World.
I need to admit something kind of embarrassing: I had no idea what Chichén Itzá was and I had no sense of geography to tell you where we were actually going. Other than, sort of the southeastern ish part of Mexico. But to be honest with you, it didn’t matter. I’d have time with someone, and I’d have my own time to fall alone.
A perfect first step in a new country.
I also need to make a quick, perhaps off-color joke
Do you remember watching the movie The Hangover — the fiasco of a bachelor party starring Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms, Zach Galifianakis? Well, there’s a line in the movie I really, really liked. No matter how outlandish.
Ken Jeong plays a ridiculously and
I’ll talk about solo traveling safety, another fear in another post, if that line just made you nervous.
But humor me for a moment.
So, will you die from loneliness or being alone for a few days in another country?
Barring some exceptional examples some may come up with.. and unless you have some exceptional medical condition with being alone.. in my experience, the answer is no. You’ll be fine, alone.
So why does being alone seem so scary?
I’m not completely sure, but I know I’ve felt this fear, for sure
Unless you’re almost quite literally attached to the hip with someone (can’t be healthy), chanced are you are alone for patches at a time that maybe you’re just used to.
I run errands alone, go shopping alone, see movies alone (how revolutionary)… see the
I’m not sure why when traveling, being “alone” is suddenly some daunting abyss.
When I’m traveling alone, to avoid feeling lonely for too long, I’m pushed to connect with people from around the world, the people who call that place home. And, not wanting to talk to myself every minute, I connect more with other travelers. There’s joy in exchanging stories with strangers.
Being alone is sad, at first. Maybe I just don’t want certain thoughts spinning around in my head. Maybe I’m nervous people are going to think I’m lame for traveling alone, eating alone, walking alone. Talking to myself — hah!
Research actually shows: at a restaurant, people dining actually look around and scan the room, equally glancing at people eating alone and people eating in groups.
I remind myself if I see solo travelers, or people eating, shopping, doing whatever alone, I don’t think much of it. Or I think, that’s kind of cool they’re on their own. Or, it looks like they’re enjoying their meal! Wow, I’m so surprised they don’t have company!
I never really run up to someone, point and yell, “WHAT. A. LOSER.” That’d be pretty weird.
But the truth is this: Who really cares about what other travelers may think, who have fleeting thoughts and want to get back to their own vacation, and who wouldn’t really be able to remember your face tomorrow?
You’re not going to be able to pick anyone who you think is gawking at you in a line up either.
It’s manageable, the more you spend time with yourself, alone. And I barely notice being alone or walking alone anymore, even on Valentines’ Day when I sort of didn’t realize it until I saw too many balloons and flowers on the subway.
After having so many adventures alone, I stopped caring whether or not I had constant company. And if feeling the other joy of liberation isn’t a selling point, I’m not sure what else is a better reason than to practice going by yourself.
And so, travel, if anything, to be more comfortable with being… with you!
Okay Crystal, get back to the story about Mexico …
So, my life is full of structure.
My job as a news reporter requires a strict schedule. I wake up at rigid times to make sure I have room for error on the subway, and that’s in addition to a morning coffee, shower and hair, and make-up routine before charging towards the 5 p.m. and 6 p.m. newscasts. So, there isn’t always space or time for serendipity or spontaneity. I bet that sounds familiar to you too.
My sister and I booked an all-inclusive resort (which is to say a package with a room and unlimited food and drinks on-premise) on a total whim
The all-inclusive resort helped get my feet wet into traveling solo because .. frankly, all I needed to know was that we had the rooms booked, the resort would have multiple restaurants for us to eat as much as we wanted (hooray unlimited food), and.. well.. There would also be a lot of bars including a swim-up bar, because all drinks were also included.
What worked on this vacation was, I arrived half a day before my sister because of our flights and time-zones, and I also left about a day after her.
We had most of the vacation time to spend with each other, except for those moments, where I got to be alone, explore the resort of nearby neighboring communities. And learn to enjoy it, by myself.
All this to say, I really didn’t know much about where I was going, but I trust myself (and this, too, too practice) to figure it out when I get there.
Mr. Chow wants to know, “But did you die?”
Did not.
We didn’t plan every second of this trip. I only had loose goals: take some good photos, get into the ocean, have some nice drinks, maybe buy a few souvenirs from local crafts and farmers’ markets. I left everything else left to magic and
This included some group tours I could have gone by myself that I passed up.
I came back from Mexico just fine, after our adventures. Still here to tell the story and to share the photos.
Give me more tips to help with Fear #1.
My sister likes to sleep
I like waking up early, which I only enjoy doing while on vacation, because, Carpe Diem. And the sun-up to sun-down routine is the safest bet for solo travelers. No sunlight to waste.
So while she was sleeping, I hung out at the pool by myself.
I swam around. I ordered some nice Piña Coladas. I walked around the beach. I took pictures. I read by the pool and at the various restaurants at the resort. Sometimes I kept my headphones in during walks and listened to music, audiobooks, podcasts. By myself.
So that was how I eased into it, into traveling solo.
I kept nice books next to me for down-time, when I could sit at a cafe, or lounge by the pool.
I often had headphones in when I actually felt anti-social, maybe a podcast, an audiobook, or simply music.
My sister even made me a random playlist to listen to while she was roaming around the resort on her own, which almost still felt like company.
I took a lot of photos. Taking photos kept me busy in Mexico. It gave me something to do with my hands, and something that took up the time. It also helped me keep my eyes out for beauty. And, it was something fun to do.
I’d blatantly stop where I was walking or pause when I was eating, to admire the sight in front of me, and snap a few photos — artistic or not!
I also wrote in my journal a lot, pretty much everywhere. In the hotel room, while drinking coffee in the morning, while lounging around the pool in
It was after all of this, I realized how seamless and easy it really was.
We often we did separate things (she went to the gym, I sipped on more piña coladas and then moved to strawberry daiquiris).
A resort — or even a cruise — could be a great way to ease yourself into traveling solo.
We left a few times on our trip, to go explore Chichen Itza, and to get coffee and food in the nearby cities and towns, but otherwise, food and drinks were provided for us, and in a way, we had a secluded “campus” to roam, and other tourists and travelers to talk to.
It was safe, it was fine, but it was limited and isolated.
Which, is probably great for those wanting to travel solo.
“My alone feels so good, I’ll only have you if you’re sweeter than my solitude.”
Warsan Shire
It wasn’t until I started traveling by myself after the trip to Mexico that I realized the exhilation of seeing everything by myself.
I didn’t have to wait for my sister to get ready for dinner. I didn’t have to tell her how long I’d be at the pool or how long I’d be sitting at the cafe for, enjoying the view. I didn’t even have to argue over where to eat next, although we do both have pretty insatiable appetites.
Mexico, an amazing trip.
But more amazing? I learned I could do the same, by myself.. And that I just wouldn’t be afraid of being alone anymore.
The liberation is in knowing what you need most, is not always a person, a place, or a thing. Instead, what I need the most on any road, is simply myself.
How beautiful it is to know, after one trip, for the rest of my life, if I was the only person at the party… Wow … I’d still have a great time.
The adventure continues,
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